A Distant Memory, But Not Any Less Valuable
Today is the 25th Heavenly birthday of my cousins Mason Tate and Colten James. They both were born very premature, one being stillborn and the other living in the NICU for a short while before going to Heaven. I never got to know them, other than a few small memories that my aunt would share every once and a while and the urns on their mantle in their living room - and of course the middle names of my living twin cousins Will and Wyatt. I know they are a huge part of my aunt and uncle’s life story, but not one that they very often shared with me or anyone else in my family - unless you asked. It’s likely because I was so little when they were born, only 3. I never knew what to ask, or if it was hard for them to talk about them or say their names. I understand it more now. Stories like these are extremely important, valuable and help us remember our babies that are in heaven. It helps us keep connection with those in our families who aren’t here with us. My aunt and Uncle shared a little more about their story when we lost James, but I know it is still hard for them all these years later… Going through this, I love when people ask about James. Talking about it helps - but I don’t always want to have that conversation with people. People always ask “Do you have kids?” I always pause and reflect … ‘is this a conversation I want to have with this person?’ sometimes no, sometimes I don’t have the time or the bandwidth. But sometimes yes, and usually you find out someone elses life has been touched with the loss of a child, cousin, niece or nephew and it can lead to great conversations.
My aunt sent a picture this morning in our family group chat of her and my uncle holding Mason - she said it was the only time they got to hold him. I broke down on my drive into work, I couldn’t stop the tears. Sometimes the grief hits you in ways you wouldn’t expect and out of nowhere. It’s okay to cry, ok to work through things and ok to show emotions. I wish things could be different, I wish that my aunt and uncle and their family didn't have to go through all of that pain and grief. I wish they had all 5 of their kids with them here on earth instead of just 3. My sweet baby cousins are in heaven, now joined by my son James. I often wonder where they would be, if they would have gone to college, or enjoyed working on wood and concrete projects like their dad or maybe gardening and estate sailing like their mom. I know I can’t wait to hear stories from them about their life growing up in heaven.
I have the same thoughts about James. He’d be rolling over now, eating solid food too. I’m sure he’d love watching Thomas the Tank Engine with his dad - I’d probably be enjoying it more than him to be honest. I watched a few episodes when we were in the hospital, with his vacant earthly body. All episodes featuring the red engine in Thomas - his name is James too. It was challenging and hard to be there with that still little body, but I wouldn’t trade those moments we had for anything. I’d do anything to go back, to see his perfect little feet one more time, hold his tiny hand just once more. Sit in the quiet room, holding our son together. There are so many things that we are missing out on. He’d be almost 6 months old now. Every day is a new challenge. A new memory that could have been made with him, but instead is one made without.
It’s really hard at times to think of all the things that we are missing out on. Even down to changing a diaper, warming up a bottle or having to wake up 10 times a night. It’s hard to not have emotions of anger and resentment when you hear other people complaining about being tired because they were up with their baby or having to do things for their baby, when I would do literally ANYTHING to change my son’s blown out diaper or just hold him…one more time. I guess it’s just all about perspective. And they don’t understand it. No one understands it really, unless this happens to them. I wish it didn’t happen to anyone. I wish that no famliy had to go through the loss of a child.
I know those 3 boys are all looking down on our family, and will always be a part of our story and my Aunt and Uncle’s. I miss the cousins that I never got to meet, and I miss the son that I never got to raise. I know they are all rejoicing in heaven, where there are no tears, no pain and no suffering. That doesn’t make it any easier living without them. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but the reasurrance of Heaven does help immensely.
I love you, Mason, Colten and James. I can’t wait to meet you all in Heaven