Today isn’t just another day. Its a special, difficult, emotional day.
Today, one year ago, my precious little boy went to heaven. It was right about this time we were in the ER and they were doing scan after scan saying nothing. I had a knot in my stomach. Even to this day I hate thinking back to that moment. “I’m sorry, we can’t find a heartbeat” It still echoes in my head.
It doesn’t feel like it’s been a year. Sometimes it feels like it has been a decade. Sometimes it feels like a week ago. We got marreid, got pregnant and lost our son, all in less than a year. Not exactly how anyone would draws it up, but that’s the path we’ve been given. But today, I know my son is in heaven. I know he is spending time rejoicing with Jesus, and spending time with all those who have gone before him. Including his 2 great Grandpa’s that he is named after.
Grief is hard, I've written a lot of my thoughts and journey over the last year that you can go back and read. It’s not something you can avoid, and its not something you just “get over’ you learn to live with it. You live life just a little bit differently.
Today we woke up and had a good cry together in bed. “I miss my son”, “I miss James” That’s something we both say a lot to each other. August 20th isn’t just the day my son James died, it’s the day he went to Heaven to be with Jesus. Today comes with a little more pain, and a little deeper and more challenging reminder of what could have been, but instead who we are without. He’d be one this weekend. I'm sure crawling all over the house, playing with toys, giggling, smiling. But instead, Saturday we will celebrate not his first birthday, but his first Heavenly birthday.
We’ll be planting a tree in the backyard in his memory, with a plaque so everyone who comes to our house and sees it knows why that tree is there. We’ll have a few friends and family over which I'm sure will be both great and challenging. We’ll see how it goes. I’d love for it to be a huge giant party, but I’m not sure i’m ready for that. Maybe next year. I spent tonight digging the hole for the tree, listening to the same 2 songs I had on repeat for hours in the hospital room. Digging didn’t even feel like work. Honestly, I feel honored to be able to plant a tree in the memory of my son. I’m honored to be James’ dadda. And be married to my lovely wife, Sierra, James’ momma. I’m thankful to be a dad. I’m hopeful one day I’ll get a baby I can hold, feed and hear cry on this side of heaven. That’s up to God and his plans.
If you’re reading this and in the midst of grief, know you are not alone. Your feelings are ok and valid. Maybe you’re even angry at God. I’ve been there. He can handle it, He can help. Spend some time in prayer, wrestle with your grief, but know that God cares deeply for children. Have faith and know your precious child is in heaven with Him. Know that He’s a better father than any of us could ever be, and I know He’s taking great care of James. If you need help, reach out to someone. If you don’t have someone or maybe want another person to talk to, shoot me an email. I’ll reply. I’d love to hear your story. I’d love to help in any way I can cody@jamestriumph.org
James’ Triumph - what does it really mean? It means my son gets to triumph over eternal death thanks to Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. I want every mom, dad, brother, sister, grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, cousin and anyone else to know and believe that.
I miss you, James. I miss you every day, but today a little extra. Okay, maybe a lot extra. I’ll see you again some day, but until then.
