Moving, but not moving on
Sierra and I bought a house and have been moving things over the past few weeks. It has been a lot harder than I thought. I hate moving in general, but moving day was really challenging for me. It was really difficult to pack up the nursery that was supposed to be James’ room. We pretty much left it unchanged since he went to heaven, except adding some more stuffies and things from the hospital. Packing up the crib, all the books family had gotten him at the baby shower and everything else brought back a lot of emotions that haven’t been as present the last few months. Sometimes grief for me can come out less in tears and more in grumpiness or frustration in the small things. I’ve been trying to be better at communicating with friends and family when I’m having challenging days, but it can still be challenging being vulnerable - especially when they don’t understand.
Often times you hear people say “Oh you’ll get over this” when discussing the loss of someone important. I find that to be very wrong. Losing my son is not something I will “get over”. You learn to live with and manage grief, not get over it. It can be hard to know what to say to people going through loss, but there are great resources out there to help. Our friends Cory and Heather wrote these two (1)(2) great articles that can help friends and family understand better what to say or do. I would encourage anyone who knows parents going through loss to read those and do something. Take initiative and follow up. Even if a family isn’t ready for help or support now, check in with them a few months later. I wish people had done that for us. It was all so overwhelming early on, but I wish more people would have reached out 2, 3 or 4 months later to check in. I feel like that is when we needed more help and support.
I would say that over these last 9 months, the actual sting of loss has lessened - but I’ll never forget my son. Initially it was like a black cloud over every aspect of life, very hard to find any happiness. Very hard to have energy to talk to anyone. As time has progressed, that black cloud turned to gray, and now a more white-gray. There are still days that are harder than others. Things that still come up that are “firsts” without my baby boy James. As summer has arrived, there have been more of those moments. Grief isn’t something that you can avoid, you need to deal with it. You need to wrestle, you need to spend time in prayer. Spend time doing devotions. Spend time in fellowship with other believers wo can speak Truth into what you are going through. That’s what has helped me. I’m excited for what lies ahead, both for us as a family in our new house and for what we have the opportunity to do with James’ Triumph.
We made sure the memory of James will always be with us at our new home. We have a couple shelves up in the living room with his teddy bear, some trinkets and his ashes.
I wont ever get over losing my son, nor will I ever forget him. I know he’s being raised and taken care of by a Father far better than I could ever hope to be. And I will do everything I can to make sure I’m able to see him in Heaven.
Until then. I love you, James. Always and forever.
Love,
Dadda