Today is a really challenging day. 6 months without our son. 6 months since he went to heaven. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday, other days it feels like a lifetime ago. Today, I’m going to share James’ story in his mom’s belly from my perspective – as much as I can remember. Kind of like a letter to him. This is going to be a long post. Feel free to skip to the next blog post if you would like to read where I share about the end of James’ story here on earth and our time at the hospital.
We weren’t actively trying for a baby, but not doing anything to prevent it. We had just gotten married in October of 2024 and wanted to have kids sooner than later. It was a cold January 11th morning. I had planned a date day with Sierra to go out for breakfast and go skating at centennial lakes. I was sitting on the couch and she came out and said she had something to show me. It was a faint pink line on the test. “that’s not a positive” I said. She said “any line at all means its positive”. A wave of emotions flew over me, excitement, anxiousness, fear – “I’m gonna be a dad” I thought. “No, I am a dad”. I was so excited, and gave her a big hug. I could tell she was scared, I was too. But we would tackle this together. We had a super fun day together. Breakfast out in St. Boni. Skated outside for a bit at centennial. We went and bought a digital test and took it home. Pregnant it said.
I was so excited. I wanted to tell everyone. But we’re supposed to keep it on the down low. I always have a hard time keeping secrets in general, but this was so hard. I was so so so excited. We went about life for a few weeks, pretending nothing was different. Did “Meat Day” with your Momma’s family. It was hard for all of them. Just a few weeks after mom’s grandpa Mike (your great grandpa) passed away. I always had a hard time at meat day in years past as it is so loud and overstimulating for me. I did my best to help out with all the jobs. Grinding, pressing and cooking things up. Keeping the secret of our little baby. We went out to dinner at Texas roadhouse with my grandparents, cousins and family and it was so hard not to share the news. We got to go to a rodeo at the X with mom’s family. Tried to fake them all out with an empty beer can in her hand. They had no idea.
Fast forward to February 19th. We went to the OB office together. Got to see you, our little baby, on the screen and took a printout home. It didn’t really look like a baby, but we knew you were there. Sierra nicknamed you “Alien”. We went and bought a little stuffy and a onesie for you at target. We made a teddy bear at build-a-bear and recorded a voice box. “Hi baby, it’s mommy and daddy . We love you. Love you.” It says any time you press it.
We went to a gophers game with our friends Brendan and Megan. It was so hard not to tell them the exciting news. The next day we went down to grandma and grandpa Illa’s house in hastings. We got custom hats with “Mom est. 2025 and Dad est. 2025” on them. Grandma Julie noticed right away. It took Grandpa Chad a little bit to notice, and maybe a little prodding from grandma to finally get it. They were so excited. They wanted us to call mom’s sisters (your aunties) on facetime. We called auntie Elysia and she noticed the hats right away “Are you pregnant?” she asked. Sierra says yes. “Bish me too!” Elysia said. We found out that auntie Elysia was a couple weeks ahead of you with their own baby. They were so excited for us and we were excited for them. Mom’s other two sisters were equally excited, but didn’t have any exciting news of their own like Auntie Elysia. That night we facetimed dad’s family with our hats on. It took a little while for all of them to see it, but they were all super excited for us.
As the weeks went on, mom got less nauseous and needed less cinnamon sugar toast (something I made for her every morning. I had never even heard of it before, but I guess it really hit the spot. She had to have it before she even sat up in bed.) And you, our sweet baby, grew bigger every week. It was so fun to see you grow. Every week was a new food item to compare your size to.
We went to bockfest at Schells in New Ulm, and then your first wild game on March 9th. If you don’t know, I love hockey and more importantly the Wild. So it was always a goal to go to as many games as we could. We went to another game together 2 weeks later.
We had decided we did not want to find out if you were going to be a boy or a girl. Mom was adamant about not wanting to know and I went along with it. But as time grew on, I was glad we didn’t know. It was fun to have a surprise. Everyone thought you were going to be a girl. I was the only one convinced that you were a boy from the very get go.
Springtime was filled with lots more fun. We had some warm days and sat outside at Grandpa Chad and Grandma Julie’s, went to easter brunch at Burrow in Victoria, sat on our new deck furniture. May 4th you were the size of a bell pepper. I have a picture of mommy at the grocery store holding a green bell pepper. A few days later we hopped on a plane and headed to Boston, where Auntie Corrine and Uncle Alex live. They have 2 kids, your cousins, a 1.5 year old boy and few week old girl (at that time). It was so fun to play Thomas trains and run around outside, even go to the aquarium. We got a glimpse of how much work it was to have kids, but we were so excited to have our own.
When we got back home, Sierra wanted to take “Half Baked” pictures. I guess this was a trend. We made some cookies and took some cute pictures. Our sweet baby was 20 weeks. We got another ultrasound, you had the most precious little feet and a little hand waving hello. The doctor thought that our baby may have a cleft lip so he wanted us to go get a level 2 ultrasound. I was anxious, nervous. Didn’t know what to expect, what that meant for our little baby. We wouldn’t have that appointment for a few more weeks.
Life continued on. We went for a ride in Chad and Julie’s “Struggle Bus”. It is a short school bus they bought to drive around and go to breweries and events. We went for a evening out in the boat after work out on Lake Riley. It was super windy, I wasn’t sure we would even be able to launch the boat. But we got it done. We went to the west end of the lake in the shallows to find a still spot. I did some fishing, while Sierra read her book. I caught a bunch of fish, mostly small, but a couple good size bass. This would be the only time you got to go fishing with Mom and Dad. I wish there could have been more times…
We went to Sierra’s cousin, Lexy’s wedding out in Wisconsin. We did some dancing. We came to find out little baby loved to dance and kick to music. Especially at weddings. We grilled out burgers by the pool that weekend and enjoyed the nice warm weather.
June came and it was time for one of dad’s favorite car shows, Back to the 80’s. This show has only cars from the 80’s and they blast great 80’s music too. A few months ago I decided I wanted to grow a mullet becuase I thought it would be cool to have for when we took picutures in the hospital with you. I brought my 1980 camaro along, and mom wore a shirt that said “Burnouts, or Bows” as a fun nod to the fact we didn’t’ know if you were a boy or a girl. Mom passed out on the couch when we got home. It was a long, fun day. We ended up going home with 2 trophies. One that mom says is for “Her Car” as the venue’s favorite car. She thinks that dad’s Camaro is Her’s now, just because we are married. But she doesn’t even know how to drive a manual.
That week was the level 2 ultrasound. We got to see your cute little face on a video. It took almost an hour and a half for the specialist to come in after the ultrasound and in 2 minutes say you didn’t have a cleft lip and things were great and there were no concerns and nothing to worry about. (This doctor would be proven wrong, and should have more informed us better on the increased risks assiociated with a cleft lip, but she did no such thing) That week, we went to Lion’s Tap, one of my favorite burger restaurants. Where you got your one and only tasting of their great burgers. Your mom had a sweatshirt on that said “In My Mama Era” which I thought was cute.
The weeks went by. Soon it was July. We went to the cabin for the 4th of July. It was a short, but great time with your 2 cousins from Boston that were here visiting. We have a picture of Mom, dad and you in mommy’s belly all I n4th of July swimsuits. I love that picture. The following weekend was the Mayer car show. Another one of dad’s favorites. He ended up winning best 1980’s car (for the 4th year in a row). Mom was hot that day. Soon it was the Let Freedom Ride Car Show. A car show dad started as a fundraiser for his high school’s robotics team 5 years ago. It was a super fun day, lots of people were there. The next day was your baby shower with mom and all her friends. I didn’t go, but I know it was a great time.
The next weekend was “the Little Log House” show down in hastings that grandpa chad and grandma julie always work at. Mom got a coffee BUCKET which I had never heard of before. It was another hot day, so we tried to stay in the shade. We were there all day and got to see some cool trucks and tractors pull I the evening time. That weekend we also got your bedroom all set up with a crib full of your stuffies, a recliner for mom and a nice dresser with a changing table. We were so excited. Just 2 months until we got to meet you!
Soon came Courtney and Jordan’s wedding. It was a super fun weekend. Mom (and you in her belly) were in the wedding. You loved dancing to the music that night. We could feel you kicking lots. Dad went on a work trip to Boston, but you and mom stayed home. After I got back, we hung out at the pool. That week we went out to dinner with your great grandma, your grandpa B and mom and dad. It was their birthday week so we went out to celebrate. We took a picture after dinner, that was the last picture we have of the 3 of us before you went to heaven.
That week on Wednesday, we got up and made out coffee and tea and sat on the couch. I got to feel you doing lots of kicks. You always kicked so much in the morning. I played a little music for you on my phone (Mr. Blue Sky by ELO) and you kicked some more. I talked to you through mommys belly and told you daddy loved you so much and couldn’t wait to meet you… I wish I knew this was the last time we’d feel you kick. Mom and dad went to work, just like any other day.
